Premodern Haikus
Hello, my name is Bill_the_Horse, and I am a member of the world-famous Zoo Crew. While our crew’s name implies we are that which one would find in a zoo, i.e., animals, and although I am an animal (see “Horse”), that does not make us, or me, uncultured, uneducated, or unrefined. To prove we have risen above our nature, and above those who take umbrage with our very existence, I present to you poetry in the ancient form of a haiku:
No Untap, Pay for
Stasis, Draw a card, Play an
Island, Pass the turn.
Say this out loud. Say it again. Say it 3 more times. You have now taken 5 Stasis turns. See how quick that was? Maybe 6 seconds at most per recitation. You see, Stasis matches go to time because the opponent doesn’t know when to call it quits. Stasis pilots know when to scoop it up. They know that a win takes some time but not all of the time in the round. Stasis wins with 5 minutes left in the round or loses with 25. I love Stasis and so should you. Also, pro-tip, if there is no Black Vise on the field, don’t play any cards. Wait. Make land drops, sculpt your hand until you can cast multiple must-answer spells in 1 turn and make the Stasis player tap out or let something potentially game-ending resolve. Just watch out for the Mana Short or Upheaval.
Mountain, Lackey, Go.
Draw a Card, Play a Plains, Swords
Lackey, Pass the turn.
Mountain, [Goblin] Lackey, go is the quintessential turn 1 start for non-Lightning Bolt Red decks across multiple eras of Magic, including Legacy until the printing of Cavern of Souls. Here in Premodern, an unchecked Lackey threatens a turn 2 Siege-Gang Commander off the trigger and a cast Goblin Piledriver off the follow-up Mountain. This is a turn 3 swing for 17, plus a Shock from the Siege-Gang post-combat. Since Lackey connected last turn, dropping you to 19, an unchecked Lackey can result in 20 damage by Turn 3. This is a long way to say the Lackey must be dealt with immediately. Since I’m most likely to play a deck with white removal, this means Swords to Plowshares. A Turn 1 Lackey is always (hopefully) answered with a reciprocal Turn 1 Swords off of a Plains (in hand or from a fetch). Like “Bolt the Bird,” always “Swords the Lackey.”
Swing with Factory,
Smother Factory, Standstill
triggers–Time in round.
I love playing Magic. The more I play, the more fun I have. Control decks let you play Magic longer. So, naturally, I gravitate towards Control (and Prison) decks to have the most fun possible. Landstill is (or was?) the best, traditional control deck in Premodern. For those who don’t know, Landstill plays lands and Standstill to keep up on cards. To get around Standstill’s potential drawback, a suite of manlands in [Mishra’s] Factory and Faerie Conclave are played, as well as cycled Decree of Justices (cycling doesn’t trigger Standstill) to generate Soldiers. The issue with Landstill is that it historically goes to time in the round because the deck only has 7-9 of the aforesaid threats maindeck. While Smother can be replaced with any kind of Premodern legal removal, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t triggered a Standstill while fighting over an activated manland late in Game 3. If you haven’t, I hope you do one day to understand this . . . “fun” experience.
Return 2 Islands,
Gush, Discard, Exile 2 cards,
Island, Wonder, Swing
What’s better than drawing cards? Drawing cards for free. Gush lets you draw 2 cards FOR FREE and its only drawback is returning 2 Islands to your hand. And this drawback isn’t really a drawback when you need those Islands in your hand. And you need them in your hand for 2 reasons when playing Psychatog (“Tog”) because: (1) you have a Foil and need cards to pitch; and/or (2) your Tog is hungry and needs fuel to swing for lethal. When Tog is swinging for lethal, either: (a) there are no creatures on the board; or (b) you have an Island on the field and a Wonder in your graveyard. The joy of picking up all your lands, drawing 2+ cards off Gush(es), dumping the lands and cards to feed Tog, and swinging in unimpeded is just neat. Remember, don’t exile the Wonder until you’ve moved on from blockers, and don’t empty your graveyard with the Circular Logic in your hand. For some reason, everyone also has 0 mana to pay for Circular Logic.
Swamp, Therapy Naught?
Pass. . . . Swamp, Rats, Sac Rats name Gush
. . . Another one, FUCK.
Cabal Therapy is a wonderful card that rips the card(s) you hate most out of your opponent’s hand, or proves the coast is clear because the card(s) are still in your opponent’s deck. The boogeyman in Premodern is Mono-Blue Dreadnought named after the premier 1-name threat Phyrexian Dreadnought (“Naught”). THE most efficient way to get rid of one or more of your opponent’s Naughts all-at-once is a well-timed Therapy. The only drawback–and I mean the only one–is that Therapy doesn’t hit the top of your opponent’s deck. So, for example, if you (and by you I mean “I”) Therapy naming Dreadnought, and your opponent has none, but has 2 Gushes, and if on your next turn you play Ravenous Rats, the opponent discards an Opt, and you then sacrifice the Rats to your Therapy flashback to grab the 2 Gushes, pray to the gods of topdecks that they favor you more than your opponent. Otherwise, I hope you have removal for the Naught they just drew, or you may be going to Game 2 real quick.
Mountain, Pup, pass turn.
Swamp, Ritual, PImp, discard
Phantom, Exhume. . . . Scoop.
As a member of the Zoo Crew, we LOVE all animals, but the Premodern Dogs are second only to its Elephants. [Jackal] Pup is the best dog and that makes him the best No. 2 in the Crew. The problem with Pups, and the Zoo and Burn decks kennels where they are found, is that large creatures are hard to deal with. If you can name a 2 mana or less Green or Red card that cleanly kills a non-artifact creature, without flying, and with more than 4 health, please let me know. Now, Phantom [Nishoba] is a 7/7, Trample, Lifegain triggering BEHEMOTH that doesn’t die to direct damage. WHAT THE HELL?! Yes, we CAN kill it over multiple turns/cards, but when you play Pup against Reanimator, and the deck doesn’t use its namesake card to take 7 damage to get the lifegaining fatty into play, Burn and Zoo now needs to do a full 20 damage without using the board WHILE stopping lifegain. If you know how to do that, please let me know. Otherwise, I’m scooping and going to Game 2 so I can bring in my grave hate.
Terrageddon is
technically a deck, but
why would you play it?
The deck that most embodies the Duress Crew–the sworn enemies of the Zoo Crew for whose downfall, demise, and relegation to the lost annals of history we, the Zoo Crew, pray for every day–is Terrageddon. So, for shorthand, let’s just say the Duress Crew–may their fields run fallow and their livestock contract the plague–is Terrageddon. Known and (potentially) respected player(s) who have been engrained in Magic for decades have spoken at length (and recorded their speech for all to listen) on why Terrageddon is a terrible deck. In an appeal to authority, let’s say they are correct. Therefore, when the authority(ies), whom we should respect in this instance, say Terrageddon is a terrible deck, we can–with authority–impute this to the Duress Crew–may they always topdeck unnecessary cards. In other words, the Duress Crew–may they always forget their dice at home–is terrible, long may the Zoo Crew reign.
Just because you can
infinitely cast Blessings
doesn’t make it good.
I once added 3 [Gaea’s] Blessings to the main of my Stasis deck. The thought was that I would continuously recur my counterspells, Chains of Vapor, and Gushes, and have a built-in way to stop myself from decking. “How novel,” I thought. “I’ll get to play the most Magic,” I said to myself (see haiku #1). “I totally didn’t take this idea from [REDACTED],” I now shudder to think. Remember when I said Stasis doesn’t go to time, well Black Vise is the reason it doesn’t go to time. You know what happens when there are no Black Vises in your deck? People play until they exhaust all their outs. This is great for untimed rounds. I don’t play in tournaments with untimed rounds. Even Sam Black had the decency to add 1 Decree of Justice to his G/W Blessings pile. I am indecent and I am ignorant. While brewing is good and healthy for a format, first you need to ask yourself, “why am I doing this?” If it’s for fun, then acknowledge that. If you think it’s for competitiveness, next ask yourself, “how am I going to win?” If your answer is, “I won’t deck, I’ll win game 1 and tie game 2 as the round expires,” please take my advice and reevaluate your life choices.
Why can’t I beat Elves!
I hope my next isn’t Elves?
God damn it! Mayo.
I repeat, I play Stasis. I also play U/B Psychatog, an Esper pile, and Landstill, with the latter 2 being new additions to my deck rotation. I’ve been playing consistently since the summer of 2023. You know what Stasis and Psychatog lose to, Elves! You know what Sac, or the player formerly known as “Nick” Mayo plays, Elves! You know who I’ve never beaten when he plays any elf . . . . God damn it.
Phil is Justin’s best
friend. The feeling is returned,
but Phil will deny.
They are both pivotal members of Zoo Crew–may we always defeat our foes. Justin lovingly says, “Phil’s my best friend,” every chance he gets. You can hear the attachment, the tenderness, the fondness Justin has for Phil in his dulcet voice every time he says it. Phil, in response, smirks, turns his head, and says, “you’re not my friend.” Phil’s cold, dead, black, and, just like his deck of choice, bottomless(less) void of a response rings loud across the LGS. Justin stays strong. Justin keeps smiling. Justin keeps saying it. Be like Justin.
Asked if gooning was
normal to say. Gooning has
become the term for . . .
Zoo Crew, may our cups never run dry, are the innovators of Premodern R/g Goblins. Justin (see above) is specifically world-renowned for adding the now-staple [Goblin] Goon to the deck. A 6/6 mutant of a goblin for 4 mana (or cheated off of Lackey) is quite unstoppable for most board-based decks. In fact, watch Justin, with his superior intellect, cunning, and wit, clearly outplay, outfox, and outguile his Duress Crew–may their cups never fill–opponent in this clip. Zoo Crew is synonymous with the Goon and Gooning with Premodern Goblins. When MTGO picked up Premodern as a permanent format, legendary eternal grinder Brian Coval, better known as BoshNRoll, added the format to his rotation. Here he is playing Goblins as Zoo Crew innovated and intended. Now, during the video BoshNRoll makes mention of Gooning. Someone in the comments had to be that guy and “educate” people on Gooning. Don’t be that guy. We say Goon on in your caves, in your LGSs, with your little green men. Don’t be ashamed and go forth! Crush your enemies and bring glory to the Crew!
I love drawing cards,
Rifter draws you lots of cards,
but it can’t win games.
I NEVER play red, unless it’s in R/W Rifter. Why? I LOVE DRAWING CARDS and boy does Rifter draw cards! I would cycle all day if I could. But I can’t. Why? Because of Armageddon (and formerly Parallax Tide) and Opalescence. They destroy the lands I need to cycle my cards, and they exile my Lightning Rifts and soldier tokens from Decree of Justice I need to win the game. Not drawing cards is the worst, the best decks in the format (read Enchantress and Replenish) stop me from drawing cards, AND I’m now terrible against Duress Crew–may their pens always explode in their pockets (read Terrageddon haiku). I wish the deck was good, but it never will be. Back to playing stupid Blue for my card draw (ignore the Tog haiku for this one).
12:00 p.m., log on.
Give credit card, 12:01,
Registration closed
Everyone knows the story of LobsterCon 2026. It’s Duress Crew’s–may their socks always be damp–2nd time and, until recently, it was the world’s largest Premodern event. Everyone assumed 2026’s LobsterCon would be even more in demand than 2025’s. Then MTGO supported Premodern in December and It.Blew.Up. When it came time to boot up the registration portals for LobsterCon, people had 60 to 90 seconds to register. Why do you ask? BECAUSE THAT’S HOW LONG IT TOOK TO SELL OUT. People were angry, people were distraught, people were beside themselves. I was not because I got in. Do you want to know my secret? Do you want to learn from this learned and culturally refined Equidae? My only recommendation is this: better to be lucky than good.